So I have been under a great deal of pressure this last week. I went and overbooked myself into a tight spot. I wake up at night with the anxiety. Today something shifted. I woke up at five and heard heavy rain, which relaxed me because it means I don't have three gardens to water today. I shifted some bamboo we'll be working with and the guy who helped me was a mensch. I stepped into his van and the smell brought me right back into childhood, riding in my dad's three quarter ton. We used to head in at five am to get groceries, over an hour away in North Battleford, Sask. On the way in we'd listen to CBC radio. We'd have breakfast at a greasy spoon. I'd wander around the shops on my own until dad had loaded up the truck. Sometimes we'd visit the museum where my grandpa donated artifacts. Sometimes we'd make a detail to Cutknife to see the World's Biggest Tomahawk. Mostly we'd just travel in silence watching the prairies roll by. We didn't talk much and we liked it that way. I learned that is a good and comfortable way to be with a person.
At the school I had some of the older boys help me clean and prep the bamboo. I loved watching them explore the bamboo and enjoy its simple beauty. They compared the young and the old bamboo. They learned how to saw it. They learned about the nodes and diaphrams. One guy had to try to saw through a node and he did it with determination and patience. They had their silly fooling around moments and I curbed their enthusiasm only when I felt they were playing dangerously. They cleaned and scrubbed and got bored. They sang and joked and pranced around. We had fun. Ironically, the students in the classroom next to us were watching a Disney Cartoon: Hercules. I watched that show SO MANY TIMES with my son. There's a motivational song "I can go the distance." It's cheezy and I love it. I sang along and hummed it all day.
As the clouds lifted and the sun came out the weather also cleared in my interior landscape. I felt lighter and I saw a way into the future, past the stress and deadlines. It was a spiritual experience that came at an unexpected time in an unexpected way.
I will not let the bastards get me down.
I will learn to monetize my life's work.
I will continue to teach life skills and be inspired in turn by my students.
It's gonna be all right.
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